The Comprehensive Guide to a Banging Valentines Day For One

This valentines, say no to singleton nights at the local (even worse, singleton nights at the local, on zoom), and fill yourself a chalice of enamoured self-adoration, fit for one, and drink it all.

There is no ‘one shoe fits all’ approach for a deftly executed valentine’s day when your single as a spinster, and watching what seems like all of the rest of the population put on a show of affection, adorned in red, and showered in rose petals by their significant other.

Let us soothe the burn: Valentines is all a pretence and has been perpetuated by capitalism to be something that is way bigger than it actually is. Although, if you are for some reason reading this, and are in a happy romantic relationship, I congratulate you… now stop reading this article!

And returning to my previous point, whether you spend it curled up in a cave of duvet covers and blankets watching rom-coms (or self comforting in tragic stories of lovelessness); or you whip yourself up a three course meal, finished with love heart shaped sprinkles and a box of rose-infused truffles, there is no right or wrong.

There are some rules though:

  • No dating apps.
  • Don’t message your ex.
  • Don’t wallow in self pity at your perpetual solitude and isolation.
  • Don’t have sex with your friend / housemate (this one seems evident, but I have to emphasise it) Skip to number ’10’ in the upcoming list if this is something that you were considering.

Here’s a list of ideas that pose an alternative trajectory to spending the day wallowing in a hole of self-pity fuelled emptiness.

1. Get hot comforting beverage – something chocolatey, or a nice herbal tea with a good glug of honey or sugar.

2. or, get self a glass of something sparkly – a gin and tonic with a wedge of lemon and specially-frozen-for-the-occasion ice cubes, or start the night with a flute of wine with a strawberry (or other fancy small fruit) slotted on the tip of your glass, for that extra razzle dazzle.

3. Light a candle, or oil burner, or equivalent.

Now you’ve got your beverage and setting, we move onto the hors d’oevres:

4. Food. This one is an open book. Get some ingredients in, whip yourself up a spanking new recipe to add to your repertoire, and lock self in the kitchen until its all prepared. Full Michelin star chef status fantasy lived. Have a look at *Shakshuka* for a saucy herbal concoction.

5. Alternatively: budgets allowing, get something spicy and get it delivered to your door. I hear Wagamamas a-calling. Serotonin galore to be had.

Next up: entertainment. I offer you an array of ideas:

6. Something to watch: play all 3 Bridget Jones’ Diary films, or binge a series of Louis Theroux documentaries. It usually does the trick. Even better? Do both.

7. Paint your nails in something overly extravagant. Yellow smiley faces? Red for self-love? Bright blue? Do your toes too.

8. Read a book or magazine and indulge in the wholesomeness of the moment you are having.

9. Do a jigsaw. A 500 piecer should keep you occupied for a while, and what is more satisfying than a fully completed puzzle? Think of it as meditation. Not one for the short of patience though.

The big one, we’ve all been thinking it:

10. What better a way to say F U to these exclusionary festivities than to have a massive wank in a bed of fresh sheets. And for gods sake, if you haven’t already, get a vibrator and have it fully charged in time for the evening of Feb 14th.

I wish you all a swimming valentines. Don’t be a sad spinster this Valentines, simply embrace it and see it as a festive opportunity to have a night off the grind and prioritise yourself.

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